Christ is the Anchor, Will We be the Lifeline?
Grief is lonely. Suffering in general is a lonely road. I've learned this truth firsthand. Grief and suffering can leave you feeling like you can't breathe or like you are drowning. Even with wonderful people surrounding and lending support, a suffering person can be left battling great loneliness, but those people are part of the lifeline that help the suffering heart grab hold of hope. I am left to wonder then, how much more lonely is it to suffer and grieve when no one or very few want to or are willing to enter into the hardship a person may be facing?
I find myself asking, Church, why? Why
are we willing to allow our brothers and sisters or worse yet, those who do not
know Christ, to suffer alone?
Sometimes I think
it is because we have this idea of what socially acceptable grief is and what
it isn’t. We don’t want to enter in if it could be hard, or ugly, or
long, or something we don’t understand. We fear such situations. It is
hard to come alongside someone who has lost a spouse or a child to illness or
an accident. There is nothing easy about coming alongside someone who has a
terminal illness. However, many people tend to dig deep and show up in some way
for that kind of suffering even if it is uncomfortable or awkward. We find it even easier yet to lend support when someone is struggling because of a major surgery, difficult delivery
of a baby, or laid off from a job? These are all fairy socially
acceptable ways to suffer and we show up.
Friends, what
happens when the suffering is something that makes us uncomfortable? What
happens when we don’t know how it should play out or what the right answers are
in the hard? Let’s get real here. What if the heartache isn’t what we
have defined as socially acceptable like someone who has had an abortion, abuse
within marriage or the church (any kind of abuse: emotional, sexual, physical,
spiritual), someone battling against same sex attraction, a person dealing with
chronic depression, that person who cannot beat anxiety, a family who has lost
one of its members to suicide or overdose, or a family who felt called to adopt
and has faced endless heartache with the child they’ve made a part of their
family. The list could go on.
I can tell you what
we often do. We talk about it behind closed doors. We come up with high
and mighty theology and theories about it. We look down on it. We live our
lives thankful we don’t have to deal with that issue. We claim ourselves not
qualified so it isn’t our place to be involved. We disbelieve them (or at least
show that we do with our lack of care). We avoid it. Subsequently, we avoid
those people. Oh, we may talk to them. We paste on our smiles and
keep things shallow while inside the other person is drowning in the
deep. Without so much as acknowledgement, a question, or a prayer, we
leave them to try and hold their head above water another day when they barely
thought they could make it through the last day. Or maybe we do let them know
we are praying but leave it at that because it’s safe - for us - but the
sufferer cannot even breathe.
Let’s be a people,
Church, who refuse to leave the hurting alone in the fire. A people who
will hear of or see someone in the flames and will not let them burn because
when we read 1 Corinthians 12:26 “If one member suffers, all suffer together;
if one member is honored, all rejoice together,” we know it is talking to us
and that hurting soul right in front of us. We need to see them in the fire,
and just like God didn’t leave Shadrach, Meshsch, and Abednego alone in the
fire, we join them (Daniel 3). We decide to be a lifeline. We know
ultimately it is Christ the hurting need, but as the Church, we are His hands
and feet on this earth. So, we need to become that life line
that is anchored solidly in Christ.
It is not an
abandonment of the idea that Christ is the answer to the grief or the suffering
to say we should reach out and be a part of the rescue of these dear souls. Blogger Tim Challies
writes: “It is clear from Paul’s use of the word “need” in 1 Corinthians 12:21
that he does not see the Christian’s dependence on other Christians as a defect
in our dependence on God. Total dependence on God’s grace does not mean no
dependence on God’s means of grace.” We can be the means of grace.
In Luke 10:29-35 we
read of a man who was suffering. He had been robbed, beaten, and left for
dead. What happens next? Two religious leaders come along and not only
walk past him, but go to the other side of the way to completely avoid him.
This example is a good picture of how the grieving and the suffering among us often feel. They are
split wide open and bleeding and those of us who should care the most because
of God’s calling to His followers to love big, those of us in the Church and even
Church leaders, move ourselves out of the way - especially if it is one of
those less socially acceptable sufferings. So who should come along? A
Samaritan man who culturally would have been seen as the person who shouldn’t
care, yet the Bible tells us he had compassion. But, before it tells us he had
compassion, it tells us the Samaritan SAW the hurting man. He saw
him! Do we really look at people and see their pain and does it move us
to compassion regardless of what has caused that pain? The passage goes
on to tell us he bound up the man’s wounds, treated them, took him to an Inn,
and even paid to have the man taken care of into the future. Culturally,
it was an uncomfortable situation - a Samaritan helping a suffering Jewish
man. However, the Samaritan sees the pain, enters in, and does all he
can. He became a lifeline. Whether he knew it or not, He became the
physical hands and feet of Jesus to the one suffering.
So Church, are we
ready to be part of God’s means of grace? I am not saying this because
this is something I have perfected. By no means. I believe I have failed
at this more times than I have been a real lifeline for someone. But by
God’s grace, I hope and pray I am growing in this practice of loving the
suffering well, and doing it more and more.
Here are several
ways that I believe the grieving and suffering need us to be that lifeline:
1. Do
not ignore the hurting person. Validate the person's pain.
Philippians 2:4
says we are not just supposed to look to our own interests but also the
interests of others. We cannot ignore the suffering and grief of another
and live that verse out. 1 Thessalonians 5:14 tells us we are to “encourage the
fainthearted.” Fainthearted means little spirit. The grieving and
suffering often times have little spirit left. And that word “encourage”
means to console and comfort. We cannot do this if we have not first let
them know we believe them, we can see they are struggling, and understand their struggle is
for good reason. We cannot be like the Levite and the priest and just pass them
by in judgment or fear. They. Are. Drowning. And God may want to
use us to be a lifeline if we are firmly anchored in Him. How can we validate their pain? Let them know we believe them, ask them often what
are ways we can be praying for them, send notes of encouragement, don’t
pretend life is great, be sensitive to how situations they find themselves in
may further their grief. And, don’t be afraid that our bringing up their pain
is going to suddenly make them think about their pain and make things
worse. The one suffering and grieving, is always thinking about it. Our acknowledgment of their pain as real and hard is foundational to loving
the suffering well.
2. Don’t
assume someone else, someone more qualified, someone who has walked that road
will help and then do nothing.
Maybe they will need professional
help, and maybe someone who has walked the same road will be able to speak some
special encouragement in the life of the hurting, but that does not discount
the help we can bring by loving well. James 2:14-17 says: “What good is
it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that
faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily
food, and one of you says to them, "Go in peace, be warmed and
filled," without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is
that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead.” If we
simply say to a suffering and grieving person, “I will pray for
you. Christ is the answer,” but but do not pray and do nothing to show we
care about their needs, we are living out this passage in James - whic isn't a good thing. We have to be
ready to sacrifice and give of ourselves, our time, and our resources to meet
the needs of the hurting. What that looks like varies from situation to
situation. We should pray and ask God to show us how we can come alongside the sufferer
in a tangible way - maybe it’s meals, or regular prayer meetings for that
person, or bills that need covered, or being people who can be called at any
hour, or helping that person find resources for counseling or other services,
just to name a few.
3. Be
present.
This action is one of the most important and it doesn’t mean having to
be physically present though that is important sometimes too. In the age
of technology and communication, distance does not have to keep us from showing
a suffering person that we are present - we are with them in the
hurt. Galatians 6:2 says we are to “bear one another’s burdens.” That
literally means to put on oneself, or to take up and carry according to
Strongs. Romans 12:15 says we are to “weep with those who weep.” To carry
someone’s burden and to weep with them means to be present. We let the
one hurting know that we are in this with them, it grieves our hearts, and we cry
with them. This kind of support can be accomplished through checking in often. If we really do live in close proximity we get together with that person regularly to listen,
pray, let them cry, cry along with them, give them a hug, whatever shows
them this matters to us and hurts us because it hurts them. If we don’t live
nearby, we can do the same thing over the phone - minus the hug. Showing this kind of support doesn't have to be mysterious to figure out. It is simply saying, “I am not trying to fix this, I am just
with you and love you.”
4. Listen.
Listen without judgment.
A suffering person’s emotions can be all over
the place. They have to work through times of raw anger, gut wrenching
grief, maybe guilt, and on and on. Listen without the need to correct what they
are feeling and without casting judgment on what may sound ugly. They may
throw out words they wouldn’t usually use or ideas they don’t normally adhere
to. Listen and give them time.
Do not be pushy or
apply pressure about what they should talk about or when they should talk. No one hurting wants to
talk to everyone. They will talk if and when they want to. Give them
space to do so and just be available.
When they are
sharing, just listen. Generally speaking, trying to compare their pain to something in our own lives is a bad idea. If we haven’t walked this particular road
of pain, we shouldn't go there. If we have been down a similar road, we still should not be quick to point back to our own pains. Just listen. If asked about our own experiences, then answer the question honesty but always bring it
back to the sufferer.
Listening is hard
but we get better with practice.
5. Pray for
and WITH the one hurting.
A hurting friend of mine recently said that it
was good to be prayed for but life-sustaining to be prayed WITH. Pray for
those we know who are suffering but every chance we have, pray with
them. Don’t pass up an opportunity. If we are in their presence
and they’ve been in the middle of a trial causing great grief and suffering,
they are always going to be thankful that someone took the time to pray with
them. Exodus 17:12 is part of an interesting story involving Moses. The
Israelites were in battle and as long as Moses held his arms in the air, they
prevailed. However, after a time Moses grew weary. Aaron and Hur
came to his rescue. Each took one arm and held it up for Moses. The
suffering are like Moses. They are battle weary and we can be like Aaron
and Hur when we come along and pray with them because in doing so we are
helping to hold up the worn and weary. Prayer is powerful and how much more so
when we pray together.
6. Get educated.
Whatever the trial the hurting person is facing, get educated so we can help
all the more. For instance if it is suicide, learn about help,
prevention, and after care for families. If it is anxiety and depression, we should learn
all we can about what it is like to live with those, and how to come alongside
those who suffer with these things. If it is abuse of any kind, get
educated about what help looks like, what the victim is going through, and what
abuse looks like in its many forms. We needed to know what kind of resources and services are in the area to help those who are hurting. Whatever the suffering, it is essential to learn all we can.
7. Don’t be in a
hurry.
In our instant gratification society we want to put a time limit
on grief and suffering, and we want quick fixes and answers. The problem
is, suffering has its own time table. It isn’t neat, and tidy. It’s
messy. It’s long - sometimes life long. We need to be the kind of
people who can suffer long with others.
I am sure there are
many other suggestions that could be on this list, but if we just started here,
we would begin to make a difference in the hurting hearts of those around us.
One of the things
I’ve noticed about suffering is that no matter what causes it, there are always
some things that look the same. It is lonely and it affects every area of the
person’s life. We are surrounded by people in our church pews and the world
around us who are drowning and so often, we don’t even notice because we have
not taken the time to really see people. Or, it may be that we have seen it,
but in our discomfort, we’ve done nothing. I know I’ve been guilty of
such inaction. Let’s stop letting people drown right in front of us when
we have the ability to be a lifeline.
I know there are
some of you out there who do this beautifully. You have loved where it is hard
and done it with such grace. May I just say a huge thank you? I pray we can all learn from your example.
Just this week I
heard this song. It articulates better than I ever could what it is like
to be grieving and what is most needed by those of us surrounding the grieving. Please take a few moments to listen to what is shared before
this song, and listen to the song itself. May the Lord strengthen each of us to
do as the song says and pull up a chair next to those who are in the fire.
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