20 Years

 We were sitting there laughing and enjoying the video he made for Valentines Day and the next thing I knew there was the ring, and the question, and the journey of our life together began. Just over five months later we were saying, “I do” and twenty years later we still do. 

One year later we found ourselves in the Upper Peninsula of MI and set out on a trail. We had never been there and knew nothing about the trail on which we embarked. Looking back, that trail represented so well what our first 20 years of marriage would be like. There were deep valleys which were dark because of the overgrowth, high points, fantastic views, rocky parts, smooth parts, and we had no idea exactly where we would end up. In our 20 years married we’ve faced incredible joys and devastating loss and grief. We’ve lived with plenty and without. We’ve seen God work miracles and we’ve seen when He has chosen not to. We’ve seen Him provide over and over in ways we couldn’t think up. We’ve walked hard roads with others and had friends walk with us as on our own hard roads.  We’ve moved several times. We’ve changed jobs. We’ve traveled all over. We’ve watched our kids grow and are preparing to begin sending them out into the world. We’ve prayed, and cried, and laughed, and lived this life hand in hand for 20 years as a married couple and it has looked nothing like I would have thought 20 years ago - and I’m so glad. God’s plan is always better. 

We’ve loved each other fiercely even on the days when we weren’t sure we liked each other at all. Our understanding of what love truly is has grown exponentially as we did all that living already mentioned. We’ve learned that joy and sorrow mingle all through life, and we’ve learned to hold tightly to our Savior through all of it.  

For 20 years I’ve lived with a man who has never made me question if he loves me.  He’s encouraged, supported, and spurred me on to be who God made me to be.  I hope I’ve done the same for him.  I’ve watched him learn to love Jesus more with each passing year and it is evident in how he has steadily grown in his love for our family. I’ve seen him spend more and more time in the Word and in prayer. He has grown more servant hearted, compassionate, giving, self-sacrificing. All that being said though, marriage is a journey like that hike. There is nothing easy about it. It is a continual growing, stretching, learning, and sacrificing on the part of both husband and wife. You never get to coast. And now 20 years in, I think the one thing I know for sure is how much I have to keep growing and learning. 

When I say marriage isn’t easy, I want to clarify what I am not talking about before I clarify what I am talking about.  I am NOT referring to a relationship riddled with control, manipulation, put-downs, gas lighting, harm inflicted (emotionally, physically, verbally, or sexually). Marriage should not rob you of the person you were uniquely created to be. Those are not examples of the difficulties of marriage. Those are wrong, not what a normal marriage should be, abusive, and you should seek help. 

 When I refer to marriage as not easy it’s because as the Bible says, the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked. Unlike what we often hear, people are not naturally good. We are sinful and selfish when left to ourselves. Marriage needs to begin with Christ who can change those natural inclinations in us and it forces a person to have to daily think of someone beyond themselves.  Marriage is also hard because you have to learn how to communicate daily with someone who not only isn’t you but is another gender. It’s hard because anytime you bring two people together you have varying ideas, opinions, and ways of doing things and you spend a lifetime figuring out how to align those things while still being the person God made you to be. And, it’s also hard because no one stays the person they were when they got married. We all change with time and life’s experiences. Marriage requires a constant studying of who your spouse is so that you are growing with them. That takes intentional effort. Marriage takes intentional effort. 

Today, as I look back on 20 years, I hope it is less than half of the years we will get to walk together serving the Lord and living out an example of Christ and the Church. Today, I am praising the Lord for how He has loved me through this man who committed himself to me so many years ago. This week we are going to embark on some more trails that will no doubt have valleys and peaks, rough and smooth spots, and spectacular views. I suspect that it will represent what the next 20 years will look like. I suspect that we will continue to see joy and sorrow mingled through our days together and I’m okay with that because unlike that hike all those years ago,  as we keep our gaze set on Christ, I know where our journey ultimately ends - in the arms of our loving Savior where despite our stumbling and fumbling through life together,  I hope He will say, “Well done my good and faithful servants.”