God of Redemption

"But Mary treasured up all these things, pondering them in her heart.” Luke 2:19

I think I have felt a little like Mary the last couple of weeks - treasuring and pondering many things in my heart. 

On this night 22 years ago, our lives changed forever.  Our story took a turn for which we were not prepared. Our sweet Micah Robert went to be with Jesus. Death, loss, grief, and pain all came crashing down on us with no warning. We had to fight to keep our heads above water and work for each next breath. It took years to feel like we could breathe normal again. It took years for the waves of grief to stop tossing us around. Despite the fact that  we got our feet back under us and learned how to live again, how to walk out this life in the now and not yet, we still grieve 22 years later.

People who have not lost a child don’t always realize that you lose so much more than the child. You lose all the hopes and dreams wrapped up in him.  You lose a relationship. You lose getting to see his relationships with others you love.  You lose days on the calendar once special or just another fine day because they are now associated with the searing pain of loss.  You also lose the joy of saying their name. You name a child his name because you love it. Then you lose him, and you give up ever using that name except connected to loss. You quietly carry that loss as well and wish with everything in you that it was not so. 

We are 22 years closer to when we will see our sweet Micah again.  We’ve watched our other children grow and mostly launch. We’ve weathered 4th of July after 4th of July. I stepped out this evening and the first thing I noticed was the boom of fireworks. I still don’t really like that sounds. It doesn’t send me reeling anymore, but it isn’t my favorite. We have seen the hand of God involved in our lives in many ways. He has shown us His faithfulness again and again. We went from shattered in a million pieces, to whole but completely changed and not without scars all because of the grace and faithfulness of a loving and present God.

Now here we are 22 later, and I’ve spent the last two weeks treasuring much in my heart. In the tender soil of my heart, I have erected an Ebenezer stone so I will never forget that not only is God faithful, He is redemptive and writes the most beautiful stories. Just over two weeks ago, our first grandchild was born - a grandson, Micah Delano Erickson. To have a son who wants to name his son after his brother, is incredibly moving. To have a daughter-in-law also committed to it, is more than we could have ever imagined. What made it even better? Todd was behind the wheel that night 22 years ago. It could have ruined him. He chose to walk it out with the Lord in faith. Now 22 years later, just two weeks before the anniversary of that awful night, on his 50th birthday, the Lord gifted him with a grandson named after the son he lost. Only God could write a story like that.

So here I sat on another 4th of July holding the most beautifully redemptive baby boy. For the first time in 22 years, I woke on this day and my first thought was not, “Oh this is THE day.  I don’t want to do this day.”  My first waking thought was, “We get to go hold Micah Delano.” This was a shift I could never have imagined 22 years ago.  He has in no way replaced his uncle, but he is the most incredible representation of the redemptive stories God writes. Suddenly I say the name "Micah" and it is connected to life! We have wept more times than I can count in the last couple of weeks out of pure joy and wonder at both the amazingness of having a grandson, and the endless goodness of God.

God has not tied up every difficult story in our lives this way. His redemptive work does not negate the pain of loss, and we did not get to this place of seeing such beautiful, redemptive work quickly. It has been 22 years of one foot in front of the other often with some stumbling along the way. The bible is filled with stories of brokenness, pain, and loss. Those who saw God work out beauty and redemption this side of the grave often had to wait many years for it. So though the journey has been hard and the loss is still very real, seeing glimpses of the redemptive work of God is a reminder to us of who God is and how loved and not forgotten we are. If your story is still in the place of utter brokenness, I cannot promise this kind of chapter down the road on this side of the grave. However, I can promise that God is real, He loves you, He wants a relationship with you through Jesus, you are not forgotten, and He is working out redemption in all the awful, broken stories of this world. I can offer you hope that all the dark days are not the end of the story.

So I am crawling into bed tonight pondering and treasuring it all in my heart a little longer, still blown away by the undeserved kindness of God, feeling grateful for His redemptive ways, and looking toward the future with my hope set firmly in Jesus. He has walked with us these 22 years, and I know He will see us faithfully to the end when we see Him face to face and reunite with Micah Robert.